Shit, Shower and Shave
Posted in Life on 04/22/2009 03:24 am by HeatherWell, it’s taken me 10 years to write this, but I’m fairly certain that I’m finally emotionally stable enough to share the story of a night I will never forget.
When I was 25, I was still fairly oblivious to the warning signs that my body sent me when I was sick. I attributed most discomfort to allergies and never really bothered to consider that sometimes I might be ill.
For some reason, I always got the flu during Christmas or New Years. Before I started getting the vaccine religiously, one or the other of the two holidays was spent in bed feeling like ass. In 1999 however, it hit me around Easter. I remember sitting on the couch in my parent’s living room, and feeling cold. I had been sniffling for a few days, but I assumed that my springtime allergies were kicking in. I decided to take a shower, so I left the warm blanket I was wrapped in, and headed down the hall.
When I got in the shower, I still felt cold and the hot water felt wonderful. It felt so good in fact, that I kept pumping the heat higher and higher until the room was quite steamy. Halfway through the shower, I tilted my head back and closed my eyes to rinse the conditioner out of my hair. That’s when my ears started ringing and I lost my vision for a second. I stood up, and felt fine, so again, I tipped my head back and tried to rinse my hair. Again, I started to pass out. Not good.
I turned off the water, hair dripping conditioner, legs half shaved, and sat on the edge of the tub. My stomach started to feel sick, but I really wanted to finish my shower, so I stood up, bent down to turn the water back on, and started to black out as liquid shit shot out of my ass and into the tub. Awesome. That’s when I realized that something was really, really wrong.
Barely conscious, I heaved myself onto the edge of the tub, feet on the ground, head on my knees. That’s when I lost it. Completely. What I can recall is waking to hear my little brother knocking on the door asking if I was ok. I mumbled that I was, then realized that I was lying naked, half in the tub, legs hanging over the edge, hair resting in a puddle of shit water. I had fainted and fallen backwards into the tub and landed in my own crap.
My brother, sensing that something wasn’t right, called my Mother who came in to find me naked in a room that reeked of poop and humiliation and struggling to get out of the bathtub. To her credit, she didn’t laugh until much later.
After helping me out of the tub and wrapping me and my hair in towels, she got me across the hall and onto a bigger towel on my bed. I wasn’t taking any chances getting skid marks on the sheets. Then, she took my temperature. 104 degrees. Oops.
By that time, Dad was involved, and after he checked on me, he went across to the bathroom where I heard him exclaim “Oh, Heather,” followed by laughter. To his credit, he got paper towels and Lysol and cleaned out the tub for me.
After resting, my Mother still had to help me shower and wash the excrement off of my arms and out of my hair. I was still too unsteady on my feet and very weak.
Turns out I had the worst case of the flu I’d ever experienced. I was cold before my shower because I had a high fever that caused the chills. By taking a scalding hot shower, which felt good to my chilled body, I had sent my temperature soaring thus causing me to pass out. Dumping a liquid grumpy on the shower floor was just a bonus.
To this day, when I get particularly mouthy, my family is kind enough to remind me of the time my ass vomited in the shower and I passed out naked in the puddle.
06/29/2009 at 9:19 pm
Sachiko- possibly your skinny, attractive JAPANESE “relative” should stick to her native tounge and not try to sell her arty photographs to people who speak English. That would be in line with the elitist attitude you brought to the plate. And why do her looks entitle her to claim on a name? Are you going to patent the family crest too? And since when are the Japanese afraid of poop? Have you ever read manga or some of the very common Japanese comics out there where nothing is taboo? Gimme a break- how do we know you’re not some creepy dude that set out on a Google adventure to try to hook up with some asian chick that led you astray with a bogus name and now your pissed? Get over yourself and don’t bring the Japanese culture back a hundred years. PS….Im sorry that your “relatives” photos are not reconized in a larger forum and that you and others have to make a pit stop on a blog page discussing scat. I would suggest that she try to post more photos of herself since she is so skinny and attractive to attract the kind of attention you seek and appreciate.
06/23/2009 at 9:36 pm
I am not trying to imply that Japanese people are “above” other races, that is just your own interpretation of my comment. And by the way, the comment was directed at Heather, not her overly defensive friends and family. I was not trying to offend her in any way, I was just trying to show that my relative is trying to make a career for herself and was in fact trying to use her name to further herself online. And when the first thing I look up under her name is this web post, I was very surprised to find this. If you were in my relative’s position I’m sure you would feel the same, but I understand you defending your friend/relative.
And also, Tom, Sachiko actually means blissful or happy child, and has no correlating English interpretation.
06/23/2009 at 10:47 pm
Well, then the meaning really is ironic, isn’t it?
This is a public forum. You can say what you want, but so can others. And in that vein, you should at least stand by your previous comments. Of course you were trying to be offensive. Words like “useless,” “vindictive” and “ridiculously” cannot have a warm and fuzzy connotation. The same is true for implying that our Heather is the antithesis of your skinny, attractive relative. So, either you are a coward who is backing down from what you said at the first sign controversy, or you are more socially inept than previously thought.
Also, I would like to point out that you are not doing your relative any favors. If, as you say, people will find this blog first. You make her look like crap.
06/23/2009 at 11:46 pm
Of course I wasn’t trying to be “warm and fuzzy”. I was trying to make my point known. And if there is no seriousness then it will disregarded. All I have to say to you is whatever, you’re not the owner of this blog so I have no qualm with you though you seem to be a very unbalanced person. Thanks for the unnecessary argument. Good luck to this Heather Toshiko on finding some new friends.
06/24/2009 at 12:47 am
Yeah, too bad there’s nothing your Heather can do about her family.
06/30/2009 at 2:41 pm
Sachiko,
This may come a shock to you, but writers for centuries have been writing under assumed names.
So what if there’s another Heather Toshiko out there?
Your Heather can’t register a http://www.heatertoshiko.com URL but if she’s this talented and smart individual that you’re telling us that she is then SHE CAN THINK UP ANOTHER FUCKING CREATIVE NAME FOR HER GODDAMN SITE.
Heather is my older sister and I like the name of her website. maybe because it pays tribute to a passed away relative of ours that is very close to us. I’m proud of my sister and if you knew a fraction about what she does in RL and the contribution she makes to society and to our country you’d be embarrassed by your own words.
“I was just trying to show that my relative is trying to make a career for herself and was in fact trying to use her name to further herself online.”
She can still do this, you’re just being a whiny cunt.
PS:
“And also, Tom, Sachiko actually means blissful or happy child, and has no correlating English interpretation.”
Really? Because you just said that it means “blissful or happy child” that looks like a correlating English interpretation if you ask me.
“I’m not trying to be rude or anything but I know this isn’t your real name and stealing someone else’s name for your “blog” when they are trying to make a career for themself is kind of vindictive.”
How is it vindictive when my sister has no clue (nor gives a shit) who your Heather Toshiko is?
You’re really not good at posing an intelligent argument. Maybe your talented Heather Toshiko can log in and explain why my sister is wrong. Probably not though.
Kisses,
Over An 8th
One last thing: I saw pics of your Heather Toshiko, just because she’s thin sure as shit don’t make her attractive.
06/30/2009 at 4:23 pm
Really? Do you happen to know what the Japanese word for “sarcasm” is?
06/23/2009 at 7:50 pm
Sachiko, so tell me, do Japanese people not shit? Are you a race of super people who do not get the flu? I don’t see how writing about everyday experiences renders my friend unfit to claim her Japanese heritage. As a human being she wades through the same trials and tribulations as the rest of humanity, Japanese or not. It’s her perogative to write about it. And while it is yours to comment, it’s mine to tell you your comments are asinine.
Do you really think your relative is the only Heather Toshiko on the planet? There is nothing vindictive about her chosen moniker. I’m sure somewhere there is a Sachiko who’s not a rampant twat and is embarrassed to be associated with you, but them’s the breaks, kid.
06/23/2009 at 7:06 pm
Sachiko, well even your elitest Japanese super-senses can be wrong sometimes. Heather is in fact half Japanese which explains why she’s only about half as bitchy and judgmental as you. Heather has every right to own whatever name she want’s to, so long as she paid for it, and if you cared so much about your relative, maybe you should have bought her the website rather than sending useless comments to Heather. I hope Heather offers to sell it to you for $500,000 after you insinuated that she’s not skinny. That was just mean, btw. The fact that you think Heather should care at all about your relatives career is presumptuous and shows that you have absolutely no knowledge of how businesses, web sites and life in general works. I’m embarrassed for you.
06/23/2009 at 10:25 am
Hi, you don’t know me but I happened to google my close relative’s name for her photography site and instead I stumbled upon someone telling about getting crap on themselves in the bathtub and passing out. I’m not trying to be rude or anything but I know this isn’t your real name and stealing someone else’s name for your “blog” when they are trying to make a career for themself is kind of vindictive. I think that you should change your usernames (yes I mean all of them) because she’s obviously used it first on the net and by using it, you are making her look like crap when people look her up for business. And you know, my relative is a very attractive, skinny, JAPANESE girl and you are definitely not that and by putting YOUR picture next to HER name is just wrong. Now I would understand if you were half Japanese or perhaps even remotely interested in Japanese culture but after reading a few of your ridiculously mundane and useless blog entries I can tell that you are not. So please, for the sake of her career and her future, please change it. And please, feel free to talk to me because she has no idea that I’m posting this.
06/23/2009 at 8:24 pm
I just happened to pull out my Japanese/English dictionary and looked up “Sachiko”. It apparently means “narrow-minded” in English. How apropos (that’s French, by the way Sachiko but I am not claiming to actually be French so don’t think I’m insulting any French relatives you might have). Heather is my daughter and I can assure you her mother is 100% American of Japanese extraction (she doesn’t believe in Japanese-American as a valid title; she’s all American). Since I’m Irish, that would make Heather half-Japanese and she is just as beautiful as her mother is.
Later in your life, when you become an adult, you’ll realize just how foolish your post was.
04/24/2009 at 11:27 pm
There was a time, years earlier (1991, I believe) when much the same thing happened to dear old Dad. I had the worst flu I had ever had and, as I got up from bed to go to the bathroom, suddenly found myself lying on my back in my wife’s arms. I had passed out with a temperature of 102.5. My son, who was all of 12 at the time, thought that this was hilarious. Dad passed out. Ha Ha Ha! Fast forward about one week when he had the flu and was walking down the hall to the bathroom. All of a sudden we hear the sound of something sliding along the wall and a huge “whuump!” as, you guessed it, the boy had passed out. Of course, his temperature at the time was 102.7 so, even in his fainting spell, he claimed to have outdone me. Annual flu shots for me ever since.