Heather Toshiko

So, I’m blogging because I don’t want to do the dishes, fold my laundry, or pack for Vegas. I’d much rather sit on my ass in front of this week’s Ugly Betty episode and write about my week. So, I offer you my story…

Yesterday, I had to pop into the bank for a quick transaction. I was in a swanky part of Newport Beach, so I was surprised when a lunatic bitch cut in front of me in line. Picture Mrs. Kravitz, but fatter, wearing a freebie white tee shirt, knit shorts, and an autobahn of varicose veins on her legs. Oh, and liquid turquoise eyeliner. Her two accessories, a cane, and a Mexican maid, completed the ensemble.

When I entered the bank, I was on the blackberry with my boss. As I got in line, we continued our conversation. When Kravitz cut in front of me, I was still on the phone and thus unable to utter the expletives that rose to my lips. I quickly swallowed them, and finished my conversation. That’s when the fun began.

There was one person in line in front of Kravitz, so she began shouting at the Personal Bankers (you know, the folks who sit at desks and open accounts) asking them if they could help her. When they said they couldn’t handle teller functions, she began shouting that another teller needed to be opened immediately. Since there was hardly anyone in line, it was her turn almost immediately. Lucky me, I was also next, and my teller was right next to hers.

Kravitz immediately started asking everyone in the bank if they spoke Spanish. Her embarrassed maid looked at the floor while Kravitz made a fool of herself and my teller, Sean, and I laughed. Finally she shouted, “how the hell do you not have a Spanish speaker here?” to which I replied, “this is Newport Beach, no one speaks Spanish here.” She ignored me. She finally decided that she would cash the check for her maid, and after bossing her around a bit, grabbed the check out of her hand, and started yelling at the female teller. At some point, she grabbed the check out of the teller’s hand, slammed her fist on the counter and shouted at her. The teller, a small Indian woman, politely told Kravitz that she would be unable to assist her because she was being rude and abusive. Kravitz asked for her name, then said “You should change your name, this is America. The funny part is you have no idea who I am! The manager is my friend.” Cunt.

Kravitz wasn’t nearly done. She started yelling at all the tellers, berating their service and the fact that “you bastards bought out Security Pacific Bank.” It was at that point that I politely suggested that she take her business to Washington Mutual. Again, she ignored me.

I suddenly realized that she was ignoring me because I wasn’t a bank employee and thus not bound by protocol to treat her deferentially. That’s when I decided to have some fun. I slammed my fist on the counter and started shouting at Sean. “This bank sucks. You bastards take over all the good banks. Why don’t you speak Spanish? Where’s the manager?” At that point, both Sean and I were in hysterics. Kravitz ignored us completely. Twat.

I finished my business, winked at Sean, and was on my way out. At the door, a nice elderly woman asked me where to find a mailbox, and while we stopped to discuss, Kravitz came out of the bank. I very politely called her a crazy bitch, and she ignored me and walked away with her maid in tow.

This is the day that the Lord hath made. I shall rejoice and get crunk in it.

Have a fabulous weekend, everyone! I will be sipping a fruity beverage by the pool at the MGM Signature tomorrow afternoon and thinking about where to go for dinner.