Heather Toshiko

I’m not a completely risk averse person. Sure, I’m afraid of heights, and I don’t get crazy with the stock market, but I’ll throw money on a craps table and drive fast cars at double the speed limit. Taking risks with my life and finances is something I do with educated caution and for the most part, I make good decisions. Taking risks with my heart is something entirely different.

In general, I like to think of myself as pretty heartless. It takes a lot to fluster me, upset me or hurt me. Sure, like everyone else, my family is my main source of emotional vulnerability. If something is happening to one of them, my heart is 100% involved and I’m completely distracted and overwhelmingly concerned until their issue is resolved. Although I wish I had no vulnerabilities, I’ve learned to live with the fact that my family is my Achilles heel, and I deal with it.

Every once in awhile, I think about letting someone else into the inner circle. It isn’t often, but a handful of men in my life have meant enough to me that I have let them in, and trusted them. For the most part, that trust hasn’t been abused. The problem is, in the last year or so, I’ve found that the emotional ethics of some men aren’t what I’d expect them to be, and as a result I get burned. It’s not a bad burn, mind you, more like an unpleasant scrape. Modern single men have sexual ethics that range from Little House on the Prairie to Sex and The City, and everywhere in between. Even my close friend BRUIN and I have had discussions about dating ethics, and we totally disagree on some issues. Believe it or not, his rules and ethics are more stringent than mine, and he’s a man.

I’ve also noticed another disturbing trend. Men like to bill themselves as “nice guys,” when in fact they are anything but. A self professed “nice guy” that I briefly dated, turned out to be a stubborn, selfish, closed minded, controlling, arrogant prick. I even called him out on it, and challenged his “nice guy” moniker, and he had the audacity to argue. Asshole. I mean seriously, just own it.

So now, I’m starting to consider self preservation for the first time. I’ve never really gone to great lengths to protect myself from getting hurt in relationships. Frankly, I’ve pretty much done all of the dumping until recently. About a year ago was the first time someone actually said THEY didn’t want to date ME anymore. I was a little crushed at the time, but now I think that it was a great experience for me to learn what it’s like to be on the other side, and also for me to start seriously considering the fact that I need to be a bit more cautious with my emotions. The guy who dumped me wasn’t in the inner circle yet, and I hadn’t gotten to the point where I could be emotionally devastated, but it really made me start to think…when is it ok to let down your guard?

In the past, I’ve known women who go on two dates, fall hard, and then are devastated when the guy breaks it off after a few more dates. They were already mentally picking out china, and he was just on a test drive. As much as I want to fault them for their stupidity, I realize that while there are many hard and fast rules to dating (no sex on the first date, unless you’re really, really drunk and can believably blame it on the booze) but not for when it comes to figuring out when it’s ok to put your guard down and let someone in. Some would argue that you can leave it up almost inevitably, but I believe that that prevents you from connecting on a deeper emotional level, and for a relationship to progress, don’t you need to connect? So how then, do you know? And no, the answer is not somehow related to sex. Sex is something that happens in modern dating culture sometimes as soon as the first date. Is it after a set amount of time? That’s doesn’t really apply either, since some people see each other more frequently than others when they first start dating. So when is it? How do I know its ok? Will I always be concerned that I’m sharing too much during pillow talk? Will I always wonder if it’s too soon to let someone in?

In general, I’m a guarded person. By necessity, I’m precluded from talking too much about my job and what I do at work. Sometimes, this overflows into my personal life, and I am very guarded about the people I love most, my family. I recently met a man who wanted to know some specific details about my family. I was vague, but gave him the gist of what he needed to know. He pressed harder, practically demanding to know a specific that would compromise their identity, and frankly, I wasn’t ready to do that. I barely knew the man. At that point, he was dead in the water. I gave him the “this isn’t going to work out” speech, and moved on. Nobody bullies me into talking about my family. I know that I did the right thing, but I had to ask myself, when does being cautious turn into being paranoid? Obviously, in the world I operate in, you can’t be too cautious, and I don’t believe that I’m paranoid (what paranoid person does?) but again the question arises, when is it ok to open up?

Emotional ethics, relationship ethics, sexual ethics…what a pain in the ass. You’d think that as you get older and more experienced, dating would get simpler. Not so much. I long for the simple days when my first boyfriend, who was almost as innocent as I was, could be allowed into my heart so easily and without suspicion or concern. Now, there’s an exhausting vetting process that still leaves room for doubt. Perhaps if I’d gone into another line of work. Perhaps if cynicism hadn’t worked it’s way into my heart so long ago. I guess I’ll just have to keep trying to figure out the answer through trial and error…with maybe a few scrapes and burns along the way.

Apparently, whoever our greater power is, She decided that I was getting a little too cocky. Perhaps I like myself a bit too much. Perhaps I’m a little too secure. Rather than the usual “burning bush” message, tonight she sent her messengers in the form of douchebags, to tune me up just a bit

So, when I am at work, sometimes I need to get places very fast. Tonight, as I was sitting in a parking lot, a colleague called and advised me that I needed to be somewhere. Very fast. I started my car, and windows still open, I zoomed through the lot. As I neared the exit, a tall, skinny man, and his wife and child were about to cross the lot. As I zoomed by, he yelled “slow down!” Since my window was open, I politely yelled “suck it!” and continued on my way. Apparently, Fuckstick has anger issues, because he lost his shit and screamed “Fuck you, you fat bitch!” and angrily flipped my receding taillights the bird. Wow! Someone’s wife is gonna have bruises to explain on Monday morning. He totally lost his head in like 2 seconds. I contemplated stopping and suggesting an anger management course before his little boy starts killing squirrels, but I had somewhere to be.

Fast forward about an hour. I’m recapping my incident with Fuckstick to my colleague, CAPTAIN. As I finish with the punchline “Fuck you, you fat bitch!” he turns to me and says “but Heather, you were in your car, how did he know?”

Tomorrow, CAPTAIN will be washing, waxing and detailing my car, with his toothbrush.

After being called a fat bitch not once, but twice, I was finally on my way home at around 1am. It was about 71 degrees outside, and I was holding red at a stoplight with my windows open and the new Usher CD bumping. My only thoughts were on the nice cold bottle of cheap wine in my fridge. To my left, a silver Impala full of African-American teenage boys pulled up. Their windows were also open, and I heard the driver ask the passenger “is she hot?” as they all looked over at me. His response: “Nah, she old.”

I’m going to drink a bottle of wine now. Maybe two. Tomorrow, I start wearing a paper bag to work. No, no. Not over my face. The bag is to cover the Sig Sauer P228 9mm pistol that will be in my right hand. Good night.

On the eve of the new iPhone release, I’m forced to face an issue that has been troubling me for months: Heather’s Perfect Cellphone has yet to be invented.

Hi, I’m Heather. I have immediate gratification issues. Perhaps we’ve met. I buy a new cell about once a year, and as soon as something prettier, shinier or pricier comes along, I naturally assume that it’s better and I buy it. That has also been my approach to dating, so that could explain why I’m still single. Hmmm…..

So about a year and a half ago I transitioned from my T-Mobile MDA to my Palm Treo 750. I had already outgrown my T-Mobile Sidekick the year before, and I was movin’ on up to the eastside, AT&T. My Treo served me well for several months before I grew tired of rebooting and the strange programs it would open. The bottom line was that it met all of my cellphone criterion, and it allowed me to do the things I needed most, like check e-mail, surf the net, and surreptitiously photograph drooling tards at Barnes and Noble under the noses of their self-righteous “I didn’t abort my tard fetus so I’m a saint” parents. It never occurred to me that I would eventually have a hard time finding my next phone. ….

It’s been almost 18 months, and I desperately need a new phone. I’ve rebooted my Treo so many times that the soft reboot button is actually broken. Now, I have to take the battery out like the old Treo 600 series users. Humiliating! ….

Since I’ve been pleased with AT&T’s service, I am inclined to stay with them. The fact that I still have 6 months on my contract helps too. Here’s the problem: there are no phones that meet my needs. Sure, the iPhone looks dandy, and hey, who doesn’t want to touch their face with something Woz masturbates to, but I hate the lack of a tactile keyboard and the fact that it doesn’t support MMS messaging. I just barely taught my Mom to use her brand-new-bad-mama-jama phone, and taking away her ability to MMS me would be crushing. I can’t do that to her. ….

I’ve been to every cell carrier’s website, I’ve previewed all the phones, I’ve even looked at htc.com, and aside from an unlocked $1500 phone that I’m absolutely salivating over (it only supports CDMA carriers…of which AT&T is not) I can’t find a damn phone to suit my needs. So, if you’re a technophile or just a run of the mill geek, here’s what I need, and I’m willing to do things that my parents wouldn’t approve of if you can find it for me:….

-Tactile qwerty keyboard (iPhone screen doesn’t respond to fingernails, just skin, kinda like Woz)….

-Touchscreen (fuck scrolling)….

-Windows Mobile 6 (yeah, I’m the one)….

-WMP w/ability to use WMP songs for ringtones (if I can’t have Erasure ringtones, the phone might as well be a doorstop.)….

-IM services to include AIM (gotta keep track of my bitches)….

-Push email for multiple servers, namely AOL, Yahoo and Gmail. (must have Viagra spam instantly!)….

-Explorer with a fast (3G?) browser and that java thing that I need all the time (lactation porn at your fingertips!)….

-Bluetooth (is the plural of Bluetooth, Bluetooths or Blueteeth?)….

-SMS and MMS messaging (I like to stalk men in multiple mediums and I must be able to MMS my Mom when I’m shopping)….

-A decent camera…c’mon like at least a 2mp, 1.3 is bullshit (Helloooo, I’m a Zipperhead!)….

-Enough memory for me to download Tetris and Midget porn (I have this thing called “downtime” at work)….

-A sync-able format for contacts and calendar-Outlook is fine. (I’m also a lazy ass)….

-Video camera capabilities would be nice, but not a deal breaker (two words: sex tape)….

-Streaming video or whatever it is that allows me to watch tv and stuff on my phone (two more words: fat ass)….

I know, I know, you think you have the answer. Did I mention the following:….

-I hate the Palm OS….

-I don’t want a CrackBerry, I already have one, thanks…..

-I had the T-Mobile MDA and hated it, so the AT&T version (Tilt?) is not an option…..

What does that leave? Basically, nothing. Now, I have to settle, and you know how much that pisses me off. The last time I did that, I ended up dating a Democrat with a fear of all things government (read:me.) I’m not sure what I’ll end up with. My Treo dies a little bit more every day, and all of the crash carts in the world aren’t gonna save it. If Palm would make a newer, fancier Treo, I would probably buy it, but my existing Treo remains the top of the line. ….

Are you there God? It’s me, Heather. Can you take a few minutes from feeding the children, saving the seals, and stopping the terrorists and work on a truly important issue…MY PHONE! Thanks, and hugs to yer boi Jesus! XOXO ~Heath….